Jake Vs Scotch
April 19th 2010 17:15
Category: No Category
This is the first half of a story i've written. Though I'd post it in two parts to see if anybody was interested.
It's not that he wanted to live in this shit-hole, it was more that it was the most convienient place he could find. It was much easier to blend in when everyone around you is just as fucking strange. Well this is what he told himself, and anyone who asked. The real reason was that the rent was damn cheap and nobody gave a shit about you, which suited Jake fine. The only real human interaction he had was with Bernie, the mail man. I know what your're thinking, human interaction? This isn't a zoo, you actually have to talk to them? Disgusting. But it was more of a necessity than anything else, though Jake was becoming worringly comfortable with it. He actually looked forward to Bernie's visits. Like today, Bernie would be here within the hour. Jake was bored. What to do?
Jake surveyed his apartment. The tiny council flat was less than luxurious but surprisingly comfy. The small corridors and cramped bed-room reminded him of home, which in his opinion was fucking awful. Nobody had warned Jake when he was sent to England that it would be so fucking cold. Jake had not packed for this weather. Presumably they had seasons here, someone had mentioned that. But the blistering snow and horrifying ice seemed almost endless. That's why Jake had had his first sip. He'd seen an ad on the telly, some flashy ad for something called scotch. So he did what any other sensible organism would do, he ordered it online. It arrived a few days later. This was not only the first time he tried scotch, it was the first time he met Bernie. A momentous occasion for them both, Bernie knocked on the door only for it to open a crack and no further. Jake peered through.
Awright? Got a package here for ya.
Jake's hand shot out and snatched the package. The hand was not very well aquainted with the sun, and thus was the colour bird poo. And that was that. Bernie and Jake's first meeting.
That night Jake got very drunk. Nobody had told him such things existed, it was amazing. To the untrained eye Jake was just stumbling around his apartment on his own. But if anybody had asked, he was “assimilating the culture”.
This was the turning point in Jake's invasion attempt. He spent the next few weeks trying all the exciting things earth had to offer. As it turns out, you can get almost anything off of the internet. With as convincing phone-call and an envelope full of cash Jake had several weeks worth of fun with everything ranging from cocaine (which went EVERYWHERE) to low grade rubbing alcohol. As it turns out, though Jake is small he has an amazingly high tolerance for this sort of thing.
Each week, Bernie would arrive and his package would disapear into the hazy apartment. When Jake finally got into the marijuana he invited Bernie in. Obviously Bernie was aprehensive, but Jake had offered tea. And it takes a stronger man than Bernie to resist that. Bernie was surprised to see the apartment was not as, well, disgusting as he had assumed it would be. It seemed like any other council flat in the area. Though occasionally the floor was sticky and there was a thin film of cocaine on one of the couches. Jake was also a surprise for Bernie. He looked a bit odd, to tell you the truth.
Just a skin condition, Jake said. And Bernie's mam taught him better than to poke fun at people who looked different. Though he thought mabye even his mam would have a hard time not poking fun at this particular person. Jake came up to Bernie's shoulder, and Bernie was not the tallest chap to begin with. And now that Bernie got a good look at Jake, he was kind of, off white. Jake was not easy on the eyes, it could be said. He had taken to wearing sandals almost all the time now. His long toes poked over the edge of them but he felt like this helped him blend in. This was East London so it did not help at all.
Jake motioned to the couch that the least amount of cocaine had gone on. Bernie sat down and almost immediety Jake had two cups of tea. Bernie was pleasantly surprised that there was a dash of scotch in his tea. Awful kind of him, Bernie thought. Jake had just assumed this was how you make tea, and had been drinking it like this for the better part of a month.
I'm really starting to like it around here, said Jake.
Yeah?
Yeah, I mean, im not a local.
Bernie had noticed.
But im really starting to feel like I fit in. Im even considering going outside.
Oh?
Yeah, I look out that window and I see the beauty of nature stretching out before me. I just want to explore everything!
Bernie had never heard of Hackney being referred to as beautiful, natural or even stretching anywhere.
to be continued........ i
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